As I leave for work one unassuming morning, the eastern sky begins to brighten in a soft glow of pastel pinks and oranges. Soon after the entire sky is ablaze in colour. From the confines of the car, I attempt to shift my body in order to see more, but am limited by safety and road rules. Turn a corner and bam, more colour.
Glancing at the clock, I’m right on schedule to get to work on time. Then peer back up to the sky and know I will now not be. I’m pulling over! I pass the first pullout, second guessing, telling myself to just go to work. But can’t resist the next. I stop, leave my car and run up the trail to the dyke where I stare in awe at the sky’s unfolding.
Most people will describe it as a cotton candy sky, but this somehow feels cheap, a manmade construct not worthy this beauty above. It’s a field of lupins, or a robin’s egg and wild rose sky. It is wild and unkept and marvellous. I am alone but for an eagle perched in a nearby tree calling out- “wow” I imagine it crooning.
For the holidays my one year old nephew is awed by twinkling lights. Every time he turns towards the Christmas tree, his pudgy lips round, his finger points and he lets out a “wooowww!” He turns away, then back and “wow!” once more. Over and over all holidays.
This is the spirit I want to bring into 2025. When I write in my journal ‘more of the same from last year’, this is what I mean. More taking the time for these moments that matter. More gobsmacked appreciation. More prioritizing joy and celebrating the now.
Unfortunately, when I first write ‘more of the same’ I initially have a panic attack. I berate myself, “More of the same? How boring. So routine. YOU’RE STUCK!”
My heart palpitates, fears storming in. I know stuck and it is a sad, bitter and resentful place. My anxiety amps up now, certain I’m on way back to stagnancy. Defence mechanisms kick in fast don’t they? She jumps in aggressive, bitchy and ready to attack. “You need new, you need better, you need change!” she bellows before I give her, my fear, a lil hug and a deep breath.
More of the same from last year? Why yes, I do want more hikes, nature and getting strong. Yes of course I want more adventures with my kids and love. Yes to continued community connections, writing and love. Why then, does ‘more of the same’ cause such a stress reaction in my body? Because, of course, stuck me was an unhappy me.
But I need to remind myself, I’m not in that place anymore. More of the same now means adding to the life I’m creating. It’s okay to grow these seeds I’ve planted. It’s the whole damn point actually.
More of the same means struggling up mountains for the feeling at the peak. It means fighting peri-menopausal challenges by lifting weights and getting strong. It means scrimping and sacrificing to experience travel with my kids. It means dragging myself outside when I’m tired because there might be some aurora. It means being late for work for this spectacular sunrise.
Learning from my nephew and being open to the awe over and over, then creating opportunities for it to be so. Yes, more of the same for this year should do just right.
Still yes to stopping to let nature have its moment.
Still yes challenging perimenopause with dumbbells.
It's the same stuff that prevents the stuckiness over here..... ; )